Journey to the Centre of the Buddha

Posted on 30/01/2015 by Luke

It has gotten very cold as of late, but today offers rare blue skies and a warm winter sun. Today might be the last day hot enough to do anything practical before spring, so I decide to make the most of it with a day trip out of Tokyo. My destination is a little over two hours away by train: the city of Kamakura.

Outside Kamakura Station, I am approached by a poorly dressed Japanese man speaking in English with an American accent. He is banging on about Buddhism, or something. When I mention that I have things to do, he looks a little disappointed before wandering off to talk to some new people just off the train.

I wander through the city, its streets lined with souvenir shops, gift shops, and stores selling various mementos. At this point, I realise I haven’t taken a single photograph in Kamakura, so I decide to walk up to the first temple I see.

Shu Genji Temple doesn’t exude much happiness. It was once the residence of Shijo Kingo, a renowned Nichiren Buddhist skilled in medicine. Following Nichiren’s death, Shijo Kingo attended the funeral but ultimately chose to end his own life to demonstrate his unwavering faith in the religion.

A little further from the temple, I spot a strange machine covered in stickers. The ‘Happy Capsule’ machine costs ¥100, and each capsule contains at least three prizes. I try to resist, but as if possessed by some demon from another world, I find that I have already inserted a coin.

My capsule contains a small glass fish statue with fried eggs randomly painted on each side, a colourful ankle bracelet with a small relic in the shape of an ice cream, and a teddy bear with the word ‘Love’ written on it. I also receive a ‘Lucky Sticker,’ which I am free to add to all the other lucky stickers that litter the machine. Noting the sign for ‘No Garbage,’ I take another look at my happy prizes and stand for a moment, enjoying the irony.

Eventually, I arrive at the place I came here to visit, Kotoku-in Temple. It is home to a giant Buddha, the same Buddha featured in Rudyard Kipling’s poem ‘The Five Nations.

A tourist-show, a legend told,
A rusting bulk of bronze and gold,
So much, and scarce so much, ye hold,
The meaning of Kamakura?

I pay ¥200 to enter the grounds of the temple and stand for a while in awe. The Great Buddha of Kamakura was housed within a wooden temple three times. It was destroyed by strong winds twice but rebuilt on both occasions. Eventually, in 1498, it was destroyed for a third time by a tsunami and was never rebuilt. The Buddha survived and now sits outside in the cold of winter, patiently waiting for the seasons to change.

As I walk around the statue, I notice two windows located in its back. There is a sign in Japanese emphasising the importance of showing deep respect when walking around inside the Great Buddha. A man sits half asleep at a small booth, and a sign above displays a price of ¥20. For such a low price, I would be a fool not to enter. I squeeze my way into a small hole in Buddha’s side and take the steps up into his massive belly.

Inside the Great Buddha of Kamakura, the acoustics are fantastic. I speak softly to myself and find that my words are thrown around by the bronze interior, echoing off into infinity. However, a bit of graffiti inside slightly spoils the experience — a complete lack of reverence by some.

I exit the Buddha and leave the temple. On the way out, I spot a sign warning about a particular type of bird in the area that likes to steal food from tourists. I start heading back toward the train station, stopping off at a small food shop to enjoy a sweet potato croquette. All the while, I keep my eye out for the hungry birds. Unfortunately, the birds don’t materialise, which is a shame.

I decide to take a different route for variety, and eventually, I spot some steps that sweep up a mountain. Intrigued, I take a little detour to see where they might lead.

I find myself standing in front of Amanawa Shinmei Shrine. The place is deserted, seemingly untouched for years, presenting a stark contrast to the other places I have seen in Kamakura. This shrine, founded in 710 AD, is the oldest Shinto shrine in the city and is dedicated to Amaterasu, the goddess of the sun and the universe.

The view from the shrine is stunning, offering a different perspective of the area. In the distance, I see mountains, old houses, and multiple temples and shrines. From the top of the steps, I can also glimpse the sea. As I am about to leave, I spot a small path carved into the side of the mountain above, and with nobody else around, I decide to investigate.

As I climb, the path is relatively easy to follow, twisting around the mountain and becoming less obvious. I have to brush away cobwebs from my face as I follow the steep approach. With every step, I am careful not to lose my footing as the mud gets wetter and the path becomes steeper. After about five minutes of climbing, the overgrowth becomes too much, and I can’t continue. I stop and take a look around, taking in my surroundings, and realise that this was probably not a good idea.

I struggle to get back down, having to crawl a little to ease my way down from the path that has clearly not been used for years. I use my hands on the rocks as I work my way back to safety. I am slightly disappointed that I couldn’t find where it leads, perhaps to the sun goddess, or maybe just an escape route lost over time. There’s nothing for me to see, though, and eventually, I am back at the shrine, taking the steps back toward the main road.

I wander down deserted side streets that are full of old houses, some with massive gardens, others with disproportionately small ones.

Back at Kamakura Station, I get ready to endure another two hours sitting on trains. Day trips are fun but rather exhausting at the same time. It’s nice to escape, though, and see places that offer a difference. I think about climbing up that mountain path, feeling completely free for a short time—free from anything but my own eagerness to explore, or perhaps to escape altogether. I decide that my next day trip will be to a mountain of sorts, a place unlike those I have been discovering of late. Somewhere new and exciting, where I can rekindle my sense of adventure. A place flowing with natural beauty.

As I arrive back in Tokyo, a chill consumes the air. Above, thick clouds made of snow hover over the skyscrapers, lying in wait—almost ready to unleash their flakes of misery over the city.

Welcome to the Lunar Industries

Posted on 26/01/2015 by Luke

Another intrusive start to the day in Japan. The ground rattles like teeth on an icy morning, the skyscrapers singing a chorus of concrete scraping together, pulled apart in directions against their will. It’s another earthquake, the strongest one I’ve felt so far. Suddenly, everything stops. Just as I begin to drift away, hoping to return to whatever fleeting memory lingers in my dream-filled head, the shaking resumes. This time, it lasts only a few seconds, but it’s enough to shatter whatever it was in my imagination that I desperately sought to remember.

I head outside to grab a can of Boss Coffee before taking a seat on the steps leading up to my front door. A homeless man, who resides in a cardboard castle outside the entrance to my apartment, stirs in his sleep. He coughs and groans before looking around and noticing me, perhaps awakened by the early morning shaking of the earth. The man speaks broken English and asks me the usual stagnant questions. It turns out he was once in a famous rock band, a drummer. Aged sixty-five but looking perhaps twice that, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for him. Without knowing his circumstances, I decide it would be rude to judge him any further. I want to ask him why he keeps sleeping where I would normally park my bicycle, but I think my English words might be lost on him. He tells me something is happening on Sunday in the arcade that runs close to my house. With its worn-out shops and shutters, it might well be the first activity this area has seen for months.

After becoming fully awake, I can’t help but notice that the moon is still up. Although crescent, the moon’s light casts a shadow, revealing the clear roundness of its form, something I have never noticed before. I begin to wonder if I am still dreaming.

I cycle into Asakusa to find the streets littered with Australian tourists. It seems they have chosen to leave behind the glorious summer weather of their home country for the winter of Japan. Today is Australia Day, a celebration of the first British ships landing on Australian shores. I weave my bicycle between drunk people shouting and fighting on the street. I thought it was the English who didn’t know how to behave. Drunk before lunchtime, not even Mr. Sixty-Five-year-old homeless man can achieve that.

I head across the city for some exploring. Despite spending a lot of time in Asakusa, I’m continually surprised to discover new things every day. Today, I visit what was once a beautiful pond, now home to ghostly apparitions.

Ubagaike Pond is now enveloped in what looks like a construction site. The pond is completely dried up; only the old stone outline that makes up its shape remains. Many years ago, an old woman lived in a house close to the pond. She lived with her beautiful young daughter. The mother would send her daughter out into the streets to lure in gentlemen, hoping that they would spend the night in her daughter’s embrace. The unsuspecting gentlemen would join the daughter, and after lovemaking, when the pair were both sound asleep, the old woman would creep into the room. With a huge piece of stone, the mother would bash the man’s skull in before taking all of his possessions. This weapon was known then as a ‘stone pillow.’ One day, the old woman threw herself into the pond, an act that was out of character and has no bearing on the rest of the story. These days, at night, you can hear the quiet sobs of her daughter, or so the legend goes.

Back in the slums of Tokyo, I sit in my house, editing some writing that I have been working on, my mind rinsed clear by the haunting melody of Clint Mansell’s ‘Moon’ soundtrack. The drifting peace only lasts momentarily, though. At 5 p.m., the familiar sound of music penetrates my window. It seems that, despite the winter and occasional snowflake, ice cream is sold all year round in Japan.

“Aisukuriimu, Aisukuriimu, Aisukuriimayoou.” Typically, the song occupies the space in my head usually reserved for contemplation and creative thinking. Every evening in Japan, I sit suffering in silence, with the ice cream song playing over and over in my mind, like a broken merry-go-round.

I leave the house after an hour of silent anger toward frozen milk and cream, and cycle as usual in the direction of Asakusa. For no reason, I decide not to cycle through the red-light district (my usual route) but take a different path. It leads me to the sound of live reggae music and a smattering of distant applause seemingly from nowhere. I decide to leave my bicycle and head down a narrow side street to locate the source of the music.

Moments later, I arrive at a small outdoor festival. The grounds of the festival seem to combine a swing park and a school playground.

The festival is here to raise awareness for the area of Fukushima, devastated in 2011 by the Tohoku Earthquake and tsunami. The area continues to struggle, with people living without homes, families not receiving proper support from the government, and rice grown in the area seldom purchased. This festival is described as a ‘Nation’s rallying call for the Fukushima area,’ and in my opinion, it’s a worthy cause.

Inside the swing park, small stalls sell hot food. Inside the school playground, ice is being fashioned into a snow house. Children play within the igloo, while others pose before it for photographs. Reggae music continues to play from the stage, a song about everything being ‘fine fine fine.’ It warms my heart to see this. Something about today has contained a subtle misery — earthquakes and homeless people. A community rallying together to help those in desperate need. Certain people getting drunk without a care in the world, blissfully unaware of the problems faced by others, lost to the oblivion of alcohol.

As I head back to the main road, my mind distracted by ice cream and lost in thoughts of others, I realise that I have completely forgotten where I left my bicycle.

After the Form

Posted on 24/01/2015 by Luke

Bang, bang-bang. Bang, bang-bang. Bang, bang-bang.

The repetitive yet timely sound of drumsticks hitting against stretched animal hide stirs me from peaceful dreams. Not one to miss out on an opportunity to write about whatever is parading by my house, emitting this loud but perfectly rhythmic noise, I decide that I will follow the source of the sound right after I wake up with a coffee.

I haven’t written for a while as I’ve been extremely busy researching and organising paperwork, the details of which will become apparent later in this post. But for now, drums. I head outside to find that whatever was causing the loud banging appears to move at astonishing speeds; either that, or I drink coffee a little too slowly. I jump on my bicycle and follow the distant echo of drums before eventually locating the source to a small shrine in Imado.

It seems that I have inadvertently started my day with a funeral. The five monks stand within the shrine grounds, chanting and maintaining a steady balance of drums. I head back home to pick up some paperwork before cycling over to Asakusa. Outside the train station, the same five monks pass me again. This is quite a walk from Imado, which adds confirmation to the pace of these speeding monks. I take a train over to Ueno Station. The usual random mascots are here, serving no clear purpose but to frighten me.

I change to the Yamanote Line and head to Shinagawa, a place I have only visited once before when I felt the need to stand inside the belly of a whale. This time, I am here to visit the Tokyo Immigration Information Centre. A note on their website claims that, ‘This is where all inquiries should first be made concerning immigration issues, wherever you are in Japan.’ Luckily for me, I am already in Tokyo; otherwise, this would have been quite the journey. Also, seeing as I am in need of information pertaining to immigration issues, it looks like I am heading to the right place; the so-called ‘centre of information.’

Much to my delight, as I leave the train, I find that a bus service regularly runs to the offices I am here to visit. Everything is running a little too smoothly.

I am greeted outside of the immigration office by hordes of people giving out paraphernalia advertising their respective companies or cults. A woman is spreading the joy of Christianity, a man hands me a document offering ‘Legal Support for Aliens,’ and another man is holding a sign demanding China stop the act of organ harvesting.

Inside the Immigration Centre, I head over to the advice and information counter, take a ticket (147), and then find a seat. The woman at the counter is talking to a young French couple in broken English. Every few seconds, she lets out a yawn or scratches her head, illustrating her apparent boredom.

Eventually, the French couple leaves. The woman at the counter presses a button, and the bright red display shows the number 145. She waits less than three seconds before pressing the button again, displaying 146. Without much delay, she presses it again, showing 147—my number. As I approach the counter, her finger hovers over the button to call the next number, her eyes filled with resentment that I might sit down before her within my three-second window. I take a seat just as she sighs. I understand that maybe I am the one hundred and forty-seventh person she has seen today, not counting the people she frantically skipped, but this is her job. To counter her obvious state of disregard, I greet her in an overly cheerful manner, smiling as I sit.

The woman I talk to speaks limited English, looks bored, and probably hates her job. I inquire about the application form that I should take in reference to the activities I want to pursue in Japan. My questions are generally ignored, and at one point, the woman randomly says, “So you want to stay in Japan to study Judo?”
“No, I didn’t say anything about Judo.”
“Okay, but if you are studying Judo, you need to go to End Counter B, second floor.”
“Okay, I actually …”
She cuts away my words with metaphorical scissors of despair. “End Counter B,” she reiterates, “second floor.”
So much for the best place to visit for information and advice.

I head to the second floor, to End Counter B. As I approach, the woman, slightly more miserable than the last, looks me up and down and says, without any hint of emotion or benevolence, “Passport.” Just one word is all she spares me. I hand her my passport. She adds rather sternly, “What do you want?” I explain that I want to collect an application form for … Before I have a chance to finish my sentence, she says, “Application, go queue over there,” pointing to a line of about thirty people.

I join the queue, wait thirty minutes, and then find out that I am in the queue for application checking. I am not here to have applications checked; I am here to collect application forms and ask for advice. So far, neither of these two things has transpired.

My third and final stop is back on the first floor. I wander over to the desk marked simply as ‘Information.’ “Excuse me, where can I collect an application form?” I ask.
“Here.” she says, as if she wants to add the word ‘obviously,’ but she conveys it only with her tone of voice. Eventually, she begrudgingly hands me an application form.
“Thank you,” I say. No response. My politeness falls on deaf ears. The woman just flashes me a frown that contains the absence of all the hope in the universe before trudging off into a sea of misery.

Three counts of rudeness in one hour. It is no surprise that the hundreds of people here, waiting with folders or loose paperwork, look so dejected. Of all my time in Japan, a country that prides itself on politeness and good customer service, this is the rudest I have been treated and the smallest I have felt. The service here is disgraceful, not helpful, and has filled me with no confidence at all going forward. Perhaps this is the hidden agenda: make everyone feel unwelcome so they never come back to complete their applications. Regardless, I have to come back, most likely next week.

Outside, I am handed more leaflets for various different things. A woman tries to give me a newspaper. I say I am fine. She asks me where in Canada I am from. I say I am not from Canada but England. She mutters something about Elton John and then walks off. After wasting what was effectively a whole day, I leave with none of the much sought-after advice I had taken the trip here to receive. Instead, just an application form that I could have quite easily downloaded online and printed out myself.

I head over to Asakusa in need of a drink. On the main road, a protest is taking place about atrocities caused by North Korea. The people here have megaphones and sound extremely angry as they shout in Japanese.

Trying to take in their words, I can’t help but be distracted by the late January Christmas decorations that loom over the protest.

As I walk toward one of my favourite bars, an elderly woman on a bicycle drops her handbag but doesn’t realise it. “Excuse me!” I shout in Japanese before she has the chance to ride away. She stops her bicycle and looks back. I scoop up her bag and walk over to her, promptly passing her the handbag. She apologises and thanks me, nodding her head more times than I can actually count in Japanese. She is so thankful, so happy that I helped her, and at this moment, just a slight bit of the decency and politeness of this culture finally returns—the kind of decency that has made me love Japan but has almost been entirely washed away by the events and abhorrent treatment I had experienced this afternoon.

A Handful of Salt

Posted on 12/01/2015 by Luke

Sometimes in Japan (and the same can be said for life in general), I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Today, a red carpet has been placed in the middle of a busy road. Not only does this carpet obstruct many motorists who drive down here every day, but it actually stretches the entire length of Kappabashi Street – and Kappabashi Street is a very long street indeed. Is the head of state making a surprise visit? Is some type of awards ceremony about to take place, perhaps? Or is there no reason at all for this vermilion impediment? Only time can provide the answer.

For the last few months, I have been trying my hand at a little private English conversation practice with just one student—a 71-year-old Japanese man who has lived in Asakusa all his life. With a keen interest in food and Japanese history, he has provided me with an endless source of knowledge about post-war Japan and the changing attitudes amongst Japanese people. I enjoy teaching him, and our conversations often cover an array of topics, such as Bonseki, China Syndrome, and foods I’ve never heard of before in my life. Today, we are heading out to try such a food.

He drives us across Tokyo to Yotsuya. On the way, he starts a conversation with the dashboard of his Toyota, instantly reminding me of something from a science-fiction movie. In Yotsuya, we visit a shop called Ariakeya. The shop specialises in selling just one dish—a Japanese delight known as ‘tsukudani’.

If I were to ask anyone to name three foods associated with Japan, tsukudani probably wouldn’t even get a mention; and, if I’m completely honest, I had never heard of it until last week. Tsukudani most commonly involves seaweed, meat, or fish (often pond fish) that has been simmered in soy sauce and mirin. It can be eaten up to a year after it is made. Many years ago, this was a staple food in Japan, but due to its high salt content, it has become somewhat less popular, with concerns about salt being bad for health and such.

The woman in the shop is very pleasant and can speak excellent English; she has even prepared an English menu for me in anticipation of my arrival. I am offered samples of various dishes before settling on my favourite, Maguro—cubes of tuna. Soft, but surprisingly chewy at the same time, the outside is extremely salty but very sweet. The middle offers a dryness that you would expect from marinated cubes of cooked tuna. Overall, the fish is pleasantly moreish.

As we leave the shop, I notice a small tray of salt outside the entrance to a restaurant, guarded by a shisa—an Okinawan dragon. Curious about the purpose of this salt display, I ask my student. In his usual enthusiastic way, he explains to me that many years ago, the Emperor of China lived in a Palace so big that the only way he could get anywhere fast was to ride around on the back of a bull. Inside the Palace, the Emperor had three thousand women, each in separate rooms. Every night, the Emperor would tour the Palace on the back of his faithful bull and decide which woman he would spend the night with.

The women knew that the Emperor rode around on a male cow; I mean, everyone knew, it was hardly a secret. The women were all desperate to marry the Emperor, for the wealth and status they would receive if such a ceremony occurred. Finally being freed from their solitary rooms in the Palace was often considered a secondary incentive. Somehow, the women discovered that the bull liked eating salt, so every night, they would place saucers of salt outside their rooms. The bull would smell the salt, stop to eat, and hopefully, the Emperor would choose that room to spend the night. Somehow, this tradition of salt piles outside of rooms came over to Japan, and salt is now placed outside many restaurants. Bulls represent customers, or so the custom goes. The story made me wonder if the idiom ‘Like a bull in a china shop’ took any of its origin from the same story, but before I have time to ask, we are back in Asakusa, and I have a red carpet to inspect.

Back at Kappabashi Street, some women are singing in front of a man that I think is supposed to be a clown. Eventually, though, answers come, and the reason for the whole street being closed off becomes apparent.

A kappa (or at least a man dressed as one) follows the red carpet, walking the length of Kappabashi Street. The kappa stops intermittently to wave at the passing crowd, walking alongside an old woman carrying a scroll, and has a big red heart painted on its back. I have no idea why. No idea about any of this.

Back at home, I dine on my neatly wrapped packet of tuna cubes, which cost ¥432. Tsukudani is usually enjoyed with rice, but I will snack on this salty-sweet tuna as it is. Unfortunately, this type of food is not too pleasing on the eye; it might look like something you would serve to a domestic animal or a bull, but its taste suggests that this might be a bit of a waste. The tuna is, in fact, delicious and perhaps one of the best foods I have tried in months. The only problem, again, is the high salt content, but that shouldn’t put you off trying it at least once.

I seldom place links to other websites, but I genuinely enjoyed the food from Ariakeya, and they were very nice to me, so here is their shop:

http://www.ariakeya.com/

Wheel of Misfortune

Posted on 09/01/2015 by Luke

Today is the day that I finish my pilgrimage. One temple, one shrine, and the final two gods. I start off in the direction of Uguisudani. My previous attempt to find Motomishima Shrine here was marred by the fact that this area is a massive red-light district and couldn’t possibly be the location of a sacred shrine. Once again, as I stumble through alleyways of neon, I see no signs of a god; just prostitutes leaving hotels with presumably married Japanese men.

Eventually, I leave the area to find wireless Internet, stolen as always from a nearby Seven Eleven. I punch the name of the shrine into my GPS and am redirected to the same area I had previously wandered. It is an unusual location for a shrine, an area littered with over seventy love hotels, but somehow I find it sandwiched between Hotel Exe and Hotel Foxy.

Motomishima Shrine is home to Jurojin, the god of longevity. This deity is always accompanied by a wild deer, believed to symbolise long life. It is said that Jurojin shares the same body as another of the Seven Gods of Fortune, Fukurokuju, which, if you ask me, is a rather unfortunate fate.

It is fair to say that to reach this shrine, I had to jump through hoops. Inside, I walk through a hoop to reach the stone steps that lead to the god. Here, I pay my respects with a deep bow before taking my fortune for the last time this month, at a cost of ¥200. With all these fortune readings, it’s a surprise that I have any money left. Not to worry, though—I have a frog in my wallet, so all is well.

“Whoever caught this fortune, please read. Further increases the happiness if familiar, money will come to the body when you strive daily and today. We are been obtained by loss. Performing without effort for others is within the range of possibility, always! Rather than hit the thing with the one person that you are waiting for, poor is a small problem, this time. You do not have to worry only for those who carried out jointly because the immediate profit will go up with your results. If you move a large bowl, results should come out.

“Whatever you do for other people, always take action for things in the future. Make yourself aware. Concentrate at the entrance; are you aware of the limits of their fitness? Also, the energy from long illness in the future will see recovery gradually. Concentration will add enhancement, especially to enhance the energy. No effort should not be in vain. Come back to be sure of the joy of tomorrow.”

Confused as to what all this means, I leave the red-light district and head over to Hoshoji Temple.

Bishamonten stands guard here, carrying a scroll. Traditionally, he is the god of warriors and war, depicted with a spear and dressed in armour. However, the statue here deviates from the expected representation. Unfortunately, it is the only photograph I have of this temple, and I am certain I am in the right place. There are no signs of other statues of gods here, leaving me with no idea about the identity of this scroll-wielding warrior—most likely Shonin or someone else. No English signs, nothing else to guide me.

With all this good fortune flowing through my veins and having completed the pilgrimage of the Seven Gods of Fortune, one would expect that I’d actually receive some fortune. In reality, the opposite has occurred. Over the last few days, I have felt like a ghost, floating through life, completely devoid of any sense of belonging. Perhaps this is just a phase. A changing of the tides could erase all that I feel at this moment, and hopefully, that will happen. Maybe I should just move a large bowl. Right now, though, I am tired of walking around temples and shrines; it fills me with this strange empty feeling that is difficult to explain.

I wander back to Asakusa and am instantly drawn in by the flashing lights of a strange vending machine.

The machine costs just ¥100 and offers a chance to win excellent prizes. It’s called ‘Pocket Lifter,’ and presumably, it lifts money from my pocket by tricking me into thinking I can win one of the luxury prizes. Hidden behind its polished glass front are some trading cards, two Louis Vuitton purses, and tickets to Hanayashiki Amusement Park—the oldest amusement park in Japan. Despite seeing this park every day in Asakusa, I have yet to make the visit. However, Hanayashiki might have to wait a little while longer, as I am still somewhat traumatised by my recent visit to Tokyo Disneyland

The machine says, ‘One-two-three-four-GET!’ Winning is as easy as counting. One of the Louis Vuitton purses can be won and sold for ¥8000 at a nearby shop, conveniently listed next to the prize—a gambling loophole once again exposed. Above the prizes, a wheel with bright flashing lights beckons, ‘Let’s Challenge!!’ How could I possibly resist? Keenly, I insert a ¥100 coin. ‘Thank you,’ the machine says as it swallows my money. The wheel spins and lands on the number one. The prize shelf moves up a fraction of an inch, then nothing happens. For a limited time only, I can get three tries for my money. I repeat the button-pressing process twice, and disappointment reoccurs twice more. No prizes, no amusement, no amusement park—just more bad fortune. Thanks, pilgrimage.

Flossed in Translation

Posted on 06/01/2015 by Luke

I wake up early and resume my pilgrimage. My first stop is Jueiji Temple, which happens to be five minutes from my house. Inside the temple sits Hotei. He is often described as fat and happy. He certainly appears very fat and happy, as he is the god of abundance and good health. Awkwardly, I join a queue of people with my camera out. Yesterday, I didn’t take any photographs of the actual gods; I was more caught up in the stories of the temples.

Today, I wait patiently as people before me offer their prayers. They place coins in the gaping mouth of Hotei, though he certainly doesn’t need anything else to eat. One person even starts rubbing the statue’s body with his hand. Eventually, it’s my turn. I quickly snap a photograph before leisurely descending the stone steps to exit the temple.

As I exit, a man chases me down the street. I stop, completely confused. He hands me a map of the pilgrimage trail. Brilliant, I think. No more confusing maps and getting lost. The only problem is that the map is written entirely in Japanese, and is therefore confusing and will most likely get me lost.

I head to my second stop, Shohoin Temple, also known as the Flying God Temple. I am here to meet the fourth god of seven, Ebisu. Ebisu is the god of fishers or merchants and is often depicted carrying a fish. In the temple, a sign says, “Ebisu is the god of candour, cheerfulness, and goog [sic] fortune.”

Sitting beside the god are two statues of Arhat. These represent individuals who have undergone enough religious training to become worthy after attaining enlightenment. Arhat is often used as an honorific title for those blessed persons who have realised the ultimate truth. While the reason for these two statues sitting beside the sacred god of fishing isn’t explained, at least this temple features some English text.

I head over to Ryusen, to Bentenin Temple. This temple is difficult to find, located basically in a children’s play park and quite tiny. There is no activity here, no other pilgrims in sight. It’s as if this temple has either been missed off the route, or everyone is wandering around the side streets in search of this sacred spot. With no sign of a god anywhere, I snap a photograph that might be, but probably isn’t, the goddess Benzaiten; the goddess of knowledge, art, beauty, and music.

The goddess is usually depicted carrying a musical instrument, but this statue isn’t, which is the reason for my doubt.

I head back to Asakusa. My pilgrimage is put on hold for another day, thanks to a trip to the dentist. I’ve now lost count of the number of times I’ve been to the dentist in Japan. It has become nothing more than a fortnightly inconvenience. Still, off I go, alone. As I sit in the waiting room at five to five, anticipating my half-past-four appointment, the wait is actually killing me.

An elderly woman enters, holding a wrapped present with a bow in tow. She hands it over to the receptionist, smiles, then bows. I find it unusual that someone would bring a present to the dentist. Next, a mother and daughter ask if they can ‘borrow’ one of the books for children. Again, a strange reason to make a visit to the dentist. Eventually, I am called, thirty minutes after my scheduled appointment time. Inside the ‘treatment room,’ the dentist holds up a gold bracelet that clearly belongs to a woman. “Luke-san, is this yours?” she asks, with genuine inquisition and lacking any sense of irony. What was supposed to be an amusing anecdote about dental floss has somehow descended into a gift-giving ceremony, a library, and a circus.

The dentist pulls out a ‘super sonic,’ as she calls it, and sprays water on my teeth. Next, she uses a scraping tool to clean, before finally flossing my teeth for me. Effectively, I have gone to the dentist to have my teeth brushed. Afterwards, the dentist gives me a packet of dental floss as a parting gift, wishes me a Happy New Year, and charges me just ¥740. Thank you, Japanese National Health Insurance.

I leave the dentist just as night begins to engulf the city. I head over to Senso-ji Temple. The crowds of people haven’t dispersed, and the New Year celebrations are still in full swing. For some reason, the first three days of the New Year are important days to visit temples and shrines, and because of this, queues of thousands are still waiting to pray for the first time this year. As I wander through the hordes of people, a man on stilts dressed as a giant sheep almost kicks me to the ground.

Still fatigued from seven days of intense sightseeing, I head home for another early night. Tomorrow, I will visit the final two gods of the pilgrimage, and finally, I can enjoy a much-needed break from exploring the city.

Lucky Number Seven Gods of Fortune

Posted on 05/01/2015 by Luke

Today, I attempt to go on a pilgrimage. Seven different gods, seven different temples, and no idea where to start. I head into Asakusa for a traditional Japanese breakfast and find that a Japanese New Year’s ritual is taking place outside my favourite izakaya. “Happy Merry Christmas after year,” the owner says to me, flashing his trademark ten-yen smile.

The ritual is mochi making. Mochi is sticky rice that is boiled, and when it is hit with a wooden mallet, it becomes soft. These rice cakes end up more like dumplings and are consumed during January. Some sort of stew is cooking in a big pot beside the mochi, but I have no idea if it’s relevant to the ritual or not.

After watching a man hit rice with a mallet for far too long, I decide to visit the first temple: Shingen-ji Temple in Iriya. This temple has two names; ‘Iriya no Kishibojin’ is the other name used, which just adds to my confusion. Inside the temple, I can hear the sound of monks chanting. Two young Japanese women dressed in kimonos pose for photographs. I wander to the temple, throw in some loose change, and pray.

The temple not only houses one of the seven gods but also Kishimojin, a goddess of children. Her story goes that she was once an evil goddess, snatching children and then eating them. One day, Gautama Buddha kidnapped the youngest son of this goddess, and it was only after experiencing the sorrow of losing a child that she became good. Now, she is worshipped as the guardian of childbirth and child-growing. However, she remains a criminal in my mind; all the children that she previously devoured have somehow been forgotten with her forgiveness.

Next to the temple sits Fukurokuju, the god of happiness, wealth, and longevity—the first of the seven gods that I am here to visit on this pilgrimage.

My second stop is Eishinji Temple, which enshrines Daikokuten, another of the seven gods of fortune. Daikokuten is considered to bring the belief of commercial prosperity. At the entrance, children play with spinning tops and badminton rackets. This temple gives me the opportunity to get my fortune for ¥200, and with me currently on a roll of good fortune from these things, I decide to participate once again.

The fortune I receive is huge. It contains three separate pieces of paper and one golden plastic frog.

“Average luck: Leading to the road of happiness will bless you if you have your own eyes open to the gods. Keeping the person in harm dear in my heart, will ensure that no harm is done, and the world will fit into the flame. With love, be aggressive. Take time to contemplate. The person you are waiting for will come, but will be very late. Don’t be impatient with your law suit. Contemplate. The lost article will be found and returned by someone with kindness. Be honest with money. If you are planning a trip, wait.”

As for the little golden frog, it should be placed in my wallet to ensure that money always comes back. There is also a mention of rakes and ovals, but I can’t understand what this means. Additionally, the fortune tells of magical eggplants, but again, I have no idea. “This lucky charm grants wishes and brings happiness. Please keep it always in your purse.”

At the temple exit, I study the slightly confusing map and head to temple number three.

Following the map, I end up at Onoterusaki Shrine. Although this shrine doesn’t house one of the seven lucky gods, I continue to explore it regardless. A monk on a balcony is hitting drums in a timely rhythm, and something about its calmness draws me inside. The shrine features a man-made imitation in the image of Mount Fuji.

Apparently, many Japanese people once believed that there was a god that lived inside the mountain; therefore, Mount Fuji became a place of worship for many religious groups. This particular Mount Fuji is called Fujizuka of Shitaya-Sakamoto and looks like a big pile of rocks. On July 1st every year, to celebrate the start of the climbing season of the actual Mount Fuji, this miniature mountain is open for the public to climb.

Onoterusaki Shrine is also dedicated to Ono-no-Takamura, a scholar of Chinese classics in the early years of the Heian period.

Scattered around the shrine are these unusual white arrows. I discover that these arrows are known as hamaya. The name is derived from a once dangerously popular game for children involving archery and target practice. Nowadays, these arrows, which translate to mean ‘Demon-breaking arrows,’ are a popular means to dispel evil spirits at the beginning of the New Year.

I leave the shrine and go in search of the third of the seven temples on the pilgrimage course. Temples with multiple names, maps that have no sense of scale, and a cold day of wandering around unfamiliar places. I end up in Uguisudani, an area that should contain one of the seven gods, but for me, the only things in and around the train station are love hotels.

I’ve been walking a lot this last week. Tired and slightly cold, I give up for the day. I head back to Minowa to rest my legs and tumble into a deep sleep.

Japanese New Year’s Day

Posted on 03/01/2015 by Luke

This morning, my plan is to wake up early to catch the first sunrise of the New Year. In my usual tardy fashion, I oversleep and wake up at 7 a.m. with the sun shining through my window. Always next year, I suppose. I head over to Asakusa to meet Christine. The fierce winds of last night have completely gone, but it is still cold outside. In fact, I might see my first Tokyo snow rather soon. I notice that the usual New Year’s Day kebab wrappers, vomit, people asleep in the gutter, and smashed beer bottles are missing from the street. Instead, people are cheerfully whistling on their way to work, and there isn’t a speck of litter on the immaculate Tokyo pavements.

I take Christine to the train station to see her off. Perhaps it’s tiredness or a hangover; who knows? But, I take her to the wrong train station. After rectifying my mistake, we rush to the correct station, but Christine misses her train by two minutes. Luckily, the next train will be arriving in half an hour, and she somehow manages to get to the airport in time for her flight. With the rest of the morning to kill, I head home to do a little writing before heading to Kudanshita Station.

I head over to Yasukuni Shrine and join the queue of thousands of other people there for Hatsumode.

Hatsumode is traditionally the first visit to a shrine of the New Year. During this visit, the first wish of the year is made, and it is said that this very first wish is always granted by the gods. The entrance to the shrine is lined with the usual market of delicious-smelling food—something to tempt me on the way out, no doubt.

After making my wish, I take a wander around Yasukuni Shrine. This shrine is steeped in controversy as it houses the spirits of people who died in combat while fighting for Japan in wars between 1867 and 1951. Additionally, the shrine honours the souls of deceased war criminals. There is a museum here where you can read letters written by kamikaze pilots that were left for their loved ones before they died.

After exploring the shrine, I decide to indulge in some sticks of fried cheese, along with my favourite street food: strange-looking but delicious yakisoba, layered in seaweed. I don’t care that my food looks like garden worms. ¥600 well spent.

I wander through the markets in the shrine and decide to purchase an omamori, a Japanese amulet sold at religious shrines. This talisman will find its place in my house, offering good fortune and protection from evil spirits. Next, I pay ¥100 to receive my second fortune of the year. Unfortunately for me, my fortune is written in Japanese. I attempt to translate it myself, and I get the following message:

“Whoever meets in this fortune is brought happiness that appeared by virtue of good people. I will be appearing, but the eye of devotion remains out of sight, like a ball hidden in the stone.”

On the way out of the temple, a man dressed as a dragon tries to ‘eat’ my head; apparently, this creature can devour the evil spirits residing inside me and cleanse my mind. Free sake is also offered, with donations welcome. I decide to leave the shrine and head back to Minowa to enjoy traditional New Year’s Day food.

My meal consists of shiitake mushrooms, carrots, lotus root, potatoes, burdock root, konnyaku, and taro potato, all generously given to me by one of the Japanese people who live in my apartment. The food is absolutely delicious.

After dinner, I decide to do something completely unrelated to Japanese New Year’s Day traditions. I open a cardboard stocking of weird snacks that my friend Marcus kindly gave me as a Christmas present. My snacks are as follows:

Tamago Boro, translating to mean ‘egg biscuits’, are crunchy round snacks that taste nothing like egg, only sugar. For no apparent reason, the packet features a giraffe kicking a football.

Chibichan Noodle claims, “Chicken I do eat as it is!” and suggests not adding any water. “Please make a sound when you eat. Pori pori.” Apparently, that’s the noise it makes when you chew on this treat. Imagine a packet of supermarket instant noodles that have been crushed. Add the little sachet of chicken seasoning, and then eat them raw. That’s what Chibichan Noodle tastes like to me. Horrible.

Pirate Candy: just seven individually wrapped orange-flavoured boiled sweets. Nothing exciting, and nothing that ties in with an association to pirates, as far as I can see. The Japanese text here says, “Let’s aim to reach Candy Island. Let’s go!

Abeseika Melon: these melon-flavoured snacks look like small headache tablets and have the texture of chalk. “Please enjoy as much as possible after opening!” Surprisingly, this is actually my favourite of the six snacks. The sweet quickly dissolves in my mouth, leaving behind a bitter lemon flavour and what can only be described as a ‘citrus blast’.

Kureyon Shin-chan: this snack features a popular anime character produced by TV Asahi. These little colourful balls of white, yellow, green, and orange taste just like gobstoppers. Perhaps they are. Oddly, the company that produces this particular snack is called Punishment, Inc. Although, I’ll happily admit that I have terrible translation skills.

Karappa: Finally, we have Karappa, which sounds to me like the English word ‘crap.’ This light and crunchy ring-shaped corn snack has the flavour of ‘famous’ Umauma Sauce. It has the same texture as Monster Munch and tastes a lot like beef. Although, I am led to believe Umauma Sauce is the flavour of horse meat.

Japanese New Year’s Eve

Posted on 02/01/2015 by Luke

New Year’s Eve in Japan differs significantly from the celebrations and lively scenes I’m accustomed to in England. We kick off the evening at our favourite izakaya, where the owner, in his broken English, warmly greets us with, “Good morning this evening.” The atmosphere is festive, with people enjoying drinks and exchanging smiles all around. Among the options on the extensive Japanese menu is ‘Smile, ¥10, limited to ten per day.’ Fortunately, the stocks are plentiful, so I toss the owner a ten-yen coin in exchange for his wonderfully elaborate smile.

The television set above the bar is broadcasting the 65th annual Kohaku Uta Gassen.

Kohaku is a live talent battle between two teams of musical acts that have had a successful year in Japan. The white team consists of all male artists, while the red team is composed of all female artists. This exclusive, invitation-only event happens to be the most-watched show on NHK every year. Audience members cast their votes, and the only prize is pride for the winning team.

I was thoroughly enjoying a band of male vocalists singing, “La lalalala lalalala,” when out of nowhere, the owner of the izakaya switches channels to watch the latest episode of the popular pirate anime, One Piece. Food is then served to each of us in tiny bowls—traditional Japanese soba noodles, known as toshikoshi soba.

Soba noodles are notably thin and long, with the belief that their length symbolises a long life. It is also said that consuming these noodles helps ward off any lingering ghosts as the New Year arrives. The seasoning for the meal is served from a salt shaker crafted from a light bulb. While I’m unsure if this is part of the traditional way to eat Japanese soba, I find it quite appealing.

One Piece comes to an end, and the owner channel-hops, briefly settling on boxing before switching back to Kohaku. On the television, Idina Menzel graces the stage, singing ‘Let It Go.’ It’s quite rare for a non-native Japanese artist to be invited to perform at the event, but given the immense success of the movie Frozen in Japan, her appearance comes as no surprise. It’s at this moment that I’m hit with my first Tokyo Disneyland flashback.

We continue to enjoy our drinks, with people singing along to ‘Let It Go.’ Suddenly, the owner begins handing out gifts in small white envelopes.

Next year marks the Chinese zodiac year of the Ram, or ‘sheep’ as my Japanese friend corrects me. I suppose interpretations vary across countries. The pendant I receive, if I’m completely honest, looks more like a goat. Regardless, I appreciate the gesture and the unexpected gift.

As midnight rapidly approaches, we finish our drinks and take a wander over to Senso-ji for Joyanokane. At the stroke of midnight, a priest will ring the bell 108 times, symbolising the 108 sins of Buddhism. Unfortunately for me, sarcasm is one of those sins. By merely staying and listening to the tolls of the bell, your body and mind are believed to be cleansed—an excellent way to start the year, if only we could get close enough to hear them.

It’s incredibly crowded here. People are queueing up to make their first prayer of the New Year. Others are here to shop at the many little food stores lining the route to the temple, while some are here to count down to the New Year. Our purpose is simpler—we are here to listen to the bells. Eventually, as the clock approaches midnight, we manage to get close enough to the temple, arriving at about two minutes to midnight.

The first bell chimes, and we cheer. Suddenly, as if a switch has been flicked, the plastic sheeting over the market stalls starts to shake. A ferocious wind appears out of nowhere, and the temperature drops to the lowest it has been since I arrived in Japan. It’s as if the gods are angry or trying to sleep, with the millions of people here disturbing their slumber.

It will probably take over two hours to queue and make our first prayer of the year, and the cold is too much to bear. We decide to postpone this ritual until tomorrow. Instead, we opt to get our fortunes for ¥100 each. Surprisingly, none of our group receives a bad fortune. I, personally, receive a ‘Good Fortune’ that says, ‘The linen robe turns into a green one.’ I’m not entirely sure what this means, but I presume it implies that I will turn into a kappa.

After receiving our fortunes, we go our separate ways. As I cycle home, the wind almost blows me off my bike.

Abandoned by Disney

Posted on 01/01/2015 by Luke

The sun shines brightly as Christine and I make our way to Tokyo Disneyland, a 115-acre theme park located in Urayasu, Chiba Prefecture. It’s said to be a place where dreams come true, according to a somewhat poorly written but curiously popular guidebook. This guidebook suggests that the optimal time to visit Tokyo Disneyland is during the winter months, particularly toward the end of December. Today happens to fall within that timeframe, so off we go.

We change trains from the Yamanote Line at Tokyo Station to the hugely unpopular JR Keiyo Line. The Keiyo Line requires us to walk for twenty minutes through a busy train station and is highly inconvenient. Finally, after almost an hour on three trains, we arrive at the conveniently named Tokyo Disneyland Station. On the train, the windows and handles are shaped like Mickey Mouse.

Outside Tokyo Disneyland, what would usually cost ¥100 now costs over twice that. An early sign of the commercialism to come.

Full of overpriced green tea and a pocket full of change, we queue to enter the park at around 9 a.m. Eventually, after twenty minutes in the queue, we pay ¥6400 each and enter.

We head for Critter Country to use our Fast Track ticket for Splash Mountain. Despite being here so early in the morning, our Fast Track ticket won’t allow us to ride this ‘Hair-raising flume adventure’ until quarter to six. A mere nine-hour wait. We can’t use another Fast Track ticket for two hours, so we decide to grab some breakfast.

It turns out that the only food on offer at Tokyo Disneyland is junk food and sugar. I buy a ¥310 strawberry sundae – the smallest ice cream in the world. In the bottom of the cup are Corn Flakes; something I’ve never associated with ice cream before, and something that I will never eat with ice cream again.

After breakfast, we decide to go on a ride. We head over to Fantasyland to queue for “It’s a Small World Presented by Nippon Express Co., Ltd.” I write the name of the ride with capitalisation, but in the park, they don’t bother; and this annoys me. We queue for forty minutes, and with me not knowing Disney too well, I have no idea what to expect.

In the queue, I try to discuss the Pinocchio paradox, but Christine, who had previously worked in Disneyland Florida, tells me to, “Stop talking! Stop ruining Disney.”

Finally, we enter the ride and sit in a boat. Instructions in the boat say, “The boat may stop suddenly, so please sit well back.” I don’t really have a choice thanks to the length of my legs. The ride describes itself as the “Happiest cruise that ever sailed,” so presumably, it is well good.

The overall experience is terrible; a riverboat cruise of rooms depicting dancing characters from various countries. In each room, the characters are singing the same song, Jingle Bells. At the end of the ride, we have to join a queue of boats to leave. If I am completely honest, after being on my feet for most of the morning, it is just nice to have a sit down.

Leaving the ride, a politically correct ‘happy holidays’ sign is also written in lower case, just to further add to my disappointment. Christine seems happy though; she was singing along during the ride. Afterwards, she waves at the other people queueing, and they wave back.

We accidentally stroll into a gift shop and find a crystal castle that costs an arbitrary ¥5,142,860.

After “It’s a Small World,” we discover that it’s a small park. It actually takes us just ten minutes to walk the entire length of Tokyo Disneyland, despite having to push through the ever-increasing crowds of people.

We check out Thunder Mountain, but it seems there is a 300-minute queue for the ride. We wander around at a loss as more people appear from nowhere, the park now becoming extremely busy. Our second ‘attraction’ comes almost three hours since we arrived and is quite possibly the least popular attraction in Tokyo Disneyland, and perhaps the world.

We wander into a tipi with almost impeccable timing and take a seat on some padded benches around a stage.

The ‘ride’ is the oddly named “The Enchanted Tiki Room: Stitch Presents, Aloha E Komo Mai!” Presented by Mizuho Securities Co., Ltd. The attraction describes itself as a fun-filled tropical music show.

Just like the photograph I took of the show before being told off for taking photographs, the whole thing was a disappointment. A few birds talking and singing in Japanese, a few flowers singing too. Just nothing that even offered the least bit of entertainment or anything that could be described as fun-filled or remotely tropical.

Outside, the queues have grown astronomically.

With two hours now elapsed since we first used our Fast Track tickets, we head to some of the other participating rides. We discover that all of the Fast Track tickets have now been issued, so only one Fast Track ride for us today. We spend some time queueing for toilets, queueing for vending machines, queueing for queues.

One thing we find scattered around the park are popcorn stands; eleven in total. They sell flavors such as caramel, soy sauce and butter, honey, and curry. Each stand appears to have an hour-long queue. Lucky for me, my friend is also from England, so we do what English people do best and moan about everything, together.

We head back to Adventureland to queue for the Western River Railroad Presented by TOMY Company, Ltd. “Three hours,” the woman tells us, remarking on the queue times. We brave it anyway. I came all this way, and certainly don’t wish to pass up on an opportunity to climb aboard a real steam train for a trip around the wilderness.

Once forever passes and time no longer exists, we eventually get on the ride. It is one of those annoying rides that hates tall people. The train passes through caverns and low-hanging beams of wood. Despite being in the safe, happy environment of Tokyo Disneyland, I can’t help but get the feeling I will hit my head. I end up ducking under every tunnel and beam.

After one minute of satisfaction and three hours in a queue, we leave the ride, bumping into Donald Duck. Close to one hundred people are waiting to take their photograph with what is basically a man in a duck costume. Ridiculous.

One of my biggest gripes with Tokyo Disneyland is the lack of shops selling vegetarian food, healthy options, and alcohol. Despite wandering to almost every restaurant, it is practically all junk. Eventually, we settle for food at Tomorrowland Terrace Presented by Coca-Cola (Japan) Company, Ltd.

I order French fries, corn soup, and a salad, an overpriced ¥730. The salad has little jellied carrots in the shape of Mickey Mouse. I squeeze the packet of soy dressing, aiming for my salad, but the packet bursts and squirts my coat with sauce. Embarrassed and soaked, I go and wipe away my tears, and the dressing, before returning to my salad. Hidden beneath the Mickey Mouse carrots is bacon.

I can’t eat the salad due to dietary I hate Disney. Instead, I eat my lukewarm French fries with ketchup, dropping one on my leg to further add to my misery. The cup of French fries mocks me with the catchphrase, “Where dreams come true.” At least they remembered to capitalise; but at this moment, it does very little to appease my trauma. Meanwhile, Christine dines on her ¥1010 burger, fries, and a drink; she eats it smugly and without dropping a single crumb. I finish my soup and want to scream.

We head back outside for the Happiness Is Here Parade Presented by NTT DOCOMO, Inc.

“This is the happiest parade ever! Enjoy the fun and excitement of this parade with all of your favourite Disney characters!” Right now, I am unhappy. I am not enjoying myself, but I try to remain optimistic. We try to get a decent viewing spot on the parade route, but keep getting told off by the unfriendly staff for sitting on benches or loitering. Eventually, we find a place to watch our favourite characters as they dance along the route, riding a series of increasingly elaborate floats.

All of the usual suspects are here. Snow White, Lilo and Stitch, Toy Story, a massive elephant, two giant six-armed caterpillars, Alice, a bright orange Tigger, Mickey Mouse with his stupid face that I want to punch, and my favourite float, Disney’s NTT DOCOMO, Inc. Presumably from the new Disney movie about mobile communication services.

After the parade, nothing can get any more horrible. Perhaps this is the turning point of the day. We still have a few hours before we can queue jump Splash Mountain, so we contemplate killing ourselves, but instead, we decide to go on a ride to kill time.

We head back to Adventureland for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride Presented by Kirin Brewery. The jolly band of marauding Caribbean buccaneers is joined by Captain Jack Sparrow, or so I am told. We queue for ninety minutes before, for a second time today, sit on a riverboat ride. Pirates of the Caribbean describes itself as, “A thrilling adventure cruise through dark mysterious caverns where dead men tell no tales.”

Our boat is called Patience, which I like. Irony being the least American thing we’ve found today. The ride passes by a restaurant, and Christine and I miss the first section of the cruise, as we are too busy peering in to see if anyone in the restaurant is drinking alcohol. Just soft drinks with straws.

When we started queueing for the ride, it was daylight. As we exit, night has fallen, and the castle in the middle of the park is illuminated.

We pass people asleep on benches, including a guy sleeping with his whole face covered by a three-eyed Alien mask from Toy Story. In the toilets, two unhappy ‘cast members’ are directing people to cubicles and urinals. It is almost quarter to six, and it is nearly time to finally use our Fast Track tickets.

As we walk toward Critter Country, four fireworks are let off above the castle. Perhaps the worst firework display I have ever seen. A projection mapping show is taking place, so presumably, the budget has been spent on that instead.

We arrive at Splash Mountain (not sponsored). As we flash our Fast Track tickets, we get to walk along, passing people who are enduring the three-hour queue; the most satisfying feeling of the whole day. The ride claims to have, “The wettest drop ever!” It doesn’t. “No splash, Captain.” This is the third ride on a boat today and is the best one I’ve experienced.

The excitement on my face sums up the day nicely.

In just under two hours time, the final parade of the day is taking place. With two-hour queues for every ride, we risk it and head to Fantasyland for the Haunted Mansion (not sponsored). “Ride through an eerie Gothic mansion with 999 ghostly inhabitants.” While we wait for 110 minutes to ride the Haunted House, I teach Christine some basic Japanese, until she feels the need to repeat the same one phrase over and over. Not irritating in the slightest.

The Haunted Mansion turns out to be a Nightmare Before Christmas ride. It starts with two rooms where our group has to stand around. We listen to speeches from Jack Skellington. It turns out Jack Skellington is fluent in Japanese. Next, we take a seat in a chair shaped like a chocolate egg. This isn’t a roller coaster though, more of a tour through the animatronic world of the Nightmare Before Christmas.

After the ride, we head out into the crowded carnival that is the Tokyo Disneyland Electrical Parade, Dreamlights Presented by Nihon Unisys, Ltd. “Don’t miss this spectacular night-time parade when the Park comes alive with millions of dazzling lights to the magical tunes of Disney music.”

Sadly, we only catch the last three floats of the parade, including the one for Nihon Unisys, Ltd.

After the parade, the park begins to empty out. We decide to sit down for a time and dine on more sugar in the form of a strawberry-filled Mickey Mouse-shaped cake, which tastes frankly weird. As we head toward the exit, we find that the queues for the popcorn stands have completely vanished. I order a box of regular-sized ¥360 Orange Marmalade popcorn. The serving size is actually quite generous for something that costs about ¥10 to make.

We explore one of the many gift shops, stocked with needless rubbish for a high price. Despite being almost closing time, the gift shops are packed full of people, and Frozen merchandise has almost sold out. Not that I care. We eventually leave empty-handed. The noise of fourteen hours in Tokyo Disneyland, the constant flashing of lights, cartoon characters, and the overall brightness leaves me with only a headache.

As we endure the one-hour train ride back to Asakusa, I drift into dark Disney nightmares. If all of this was a bad dream, this day, and I woke up again this morning having never been to Tokyo Disneyland, I would certainly keep it that way.

At home, I feel tired and disjointed. I am angry and disappointed. I am certainly disgusted. Disney is a commercial success that exploits children and adults alike. Heavy sponsorship, overpriced snacks, no consideration for the queueing that people have to endure, a lack of drink vendors, no quality food, and a complete lack of alcohol. These things all add to the horror that is a trip to Tokyo Disneyland.

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Monthly Archives: January 2015